Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
