I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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