i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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