conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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