That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
