In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
