Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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