some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Randomize
