I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
