hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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