I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
