just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
