Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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