just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
