You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
