My liver just broke up with me...
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
