My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
