turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
