How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
