no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
