I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
