Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
