dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
