i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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