i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
