he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
