we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
