Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
