I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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