I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
