I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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