Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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