Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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