when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
there is glitter all over my balls
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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