if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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