I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I am full of burrito and curiosity
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
