she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
