I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
