Your face is a jimmy john
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
