i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
