That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
