i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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