I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
