Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
