Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
