i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
