Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
