she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
