so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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