I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
