dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
