I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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