You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
