I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
