Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
