You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
