If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
